Share Your Computer Jokes Here

[q3_abhi]

When Bill Gates was in India, he had a chance 2 listen Ramayana from Atal Behari Vajpayee. After returning 2 US he wrote it in his personal Diary. A Tabloid in US got a copy of his writings. These are excerpts from his diary.
Â*
Ramayana by Bill Gates...
Â*
LAN, LAN ago, in the SYSTEM of I/O-dhya, there ruled a PROCESSOR named DOS-rat. Once he EXECUTED a great sacrifice PROGRAM after which his queens gave an OUTPUT of four SUNs--RAM, LSIman, BUG-rat and SED-rughana. RAM the eldest was a MICROCHIP with excellent MEMORY. His brothers, however, were only PERIPHERAL ICs. Once when RAM was only 16MB, he married princess 'C'ta. 12years passed and DOS-rat decided to INSTALL RAM as his successor. However, Queen CIE/CAE(Kayegayee), who was once offered a boon
by DOS-rat for a lifesaving HELP COMMAND, took this opportunity at the instigation of her BIOSed maid (a real plotter), and insisted that her son Bug-rat be INSTALLED and that RAM be CUT-N-PASTED to the forest for 14 years.
Â*
At this cruel and unexpected demand, a SURGE passed through DOS-rat and he collapsed, power-less. RAM agreed to LOG INTO forest and 'C'ta insisted to LOGIN with him. LSI-man also resolved on LOGGING IN with his brother. The forest was the dwelling of SPARCnakha, the TRAN-SISTOR of RAW-van, PROCESSOR of LAN-ka. Attracted by RAM's stature, she proposed that he should marry her. RAM, politely declined. Perceiving 'C'ta to be the SOURCE CODE of her distress, she hastened to kill her. Weeping, SPARC-nakha fled to LAN-ka ,where RAW-van, moved by TRAN-SISTOR's plight, approached his uncle MAR-icha. MAR-icha REPROGRAMED himself into the form of a golden stag and drew RAM deep into the forest. Finally, tired of chase, RAM shot the deer, which, with his last breath, cried out desperately for LSI-man in RAM's voice. Fooled by this VIRTUAL RAM SOUND, 'C'ta urged LSI-man to his brother's aid. Catching the opportunity ,RAW-van DELINKED 'C'ta from her LIBRARY and changed her ROOT DIRECTORY to LAN-ka.
Â*
RAM and LSI-man started SEARCHING for the missing 'C'ta all over the
forest. They made friendship with the forest SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR SU-greev and his powerful co-processor Ha-NEUMAN. SU-greev agreed to help RAM. SU-greev ordered his PROGRAMMERS to use powerful 'SEARCH' techniques to FIND the missing 'C'ta. His PROGRAMMERS
SEARCHED all around the INTER-NETworked forests. Many tried to 'EXCITE' the birds and animals not to forget the 'WEBCRAWLERS' (Insects) and tried to 'INFO SEEK. something about 'C'ta. Some of them even shouted'YAA-HOO' but they all ended up with 'NOT OUNDMESSAGES'. Several other SEARCH techniques proved useless. Ha-NEUMAN devised a RISKy TECHNOLOGY and used it to cross the seas at an astonishing CLOCK SPEED. Soon Ha-NEUMAN
DOWNLOADED himself into LAN-ka. After doing some local SEARCH, Ha-NEUMAN found 'C'ta weeping under a TREE STRUCTURE Ha-NEUMAN used a LOGIN ID (ring) to identify himself to 'C'ta. After DECRYPTING THE KEY, 'C'ta believed in him and asked him to send a 'STATUS_OK' MESSAGE to RAM. Meanwhile all the raakshasa BUGS around 'C'tacaptured Ha-NEUMAN and tried to DELETE him using pyro-techniques. But Ha-NEUMAN managed to spread chaos by spreading the VIRUS 'Fire'. Ha-NEUMAN happily pressed ESCAPE from
LAN-ka and conveyed all the STATUSMESSAGES to RAM and SU-greev. RAW-wan decided to take the all-powerful RAM head-on and prepared for the battle. One of the RAW-wan's SUN (son) almost DELETED RAM &LSI-man with a powerful brahma-astra. But Ha-NEUMAN resorted to some ACTIVE-X gradients and REFORMATTED RAM and LSI-man. RAM used the SOURCE CODE secrets of
RAW-wan and once for all wiped out RAW-wan's presence on earth. After the battle, RAM got INSTALLED in I/O-dhya and spreaded his MICROSOFT WORKS and other USER FRIENDLY PROGRAMS to all USERS and every one lived happily ever after.

[.:deadman:.]

source:
http://www.cs.cornell.edu/~kvikram/htmls/jokes/joke3.html

[mehulved]

lol that's a good one. And in place of Valmiki he will put the autor as Bill Wiki.

[rajas700]

Good joke and nice.......

[~Phenom~]

Agreed its a good joke although old one but @ rajas I dont think its that good that u have to post four times the same praise.

[Chirag]

Good joke.

@Phenom - It happens sometimes. Connection problem. Happened with me also.

[Quiz_Master]

Yeah a too old one but good.

I got this in a cd which a friend give me.

That CD was full of this types of jokes.
Almost 695 MB of jokes and funny flashes and powerpoint presentation jokes.

[saurabh.sauron]

A really nice one. Gave me laughs for a long time.

[QwertyManiac]

@abhi - U gave it to me a long while ago :p Good :D

[q3_abhi]

I too had it a long while ago but i thought it will b gud for those who havent read it , so i uploaded it here.

[readermaniax]

Sorry as some of the insults may be repeated

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!

6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing

7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!

11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.

17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!

19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.

20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.

21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!

23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?

24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.

26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!

28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.

30. How would you like to feel the way you look?

31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

32. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?

33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.

34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.

35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.

36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!

38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.

39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?

40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!

41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.

44. Do u practice being this ugly?

http://www.pindiplus.com/content/view/179/208/

[readermaniax]

Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...

Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

I've seen more life in a down and out's vest.

You're red shirt goes well with your eyes...

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.

You're about as much use as a Betamax videorecorder

All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.

I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.

You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.

He does the work of three men: Curly, Larry and Moe

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.

If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!

You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - yer face.

You got a face only a mother could love...unfortunately she too hates it!

I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?

Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...

I heard you were so cool that you began teaching remedial classes at Cucumber college.

Well, they do say opposites attact...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.

I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

You started at the bottom...and it's been downhill ever since!

I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.

Is your name Maple Syrup? - Well, it damn well should be, you sap!

I know what sign you were born under...'RED LIGHT DISTRICT'

http://www.humorsphere.com/insults/

[Netjunkie]

Thanks ...

nice handy collection

[readermaniax]

your welcome! ...thanx for the reply

[Ankur Gupta]

coooooool maan.
will really help me a lot :lol:

[KHUBBU]

http://www.insultmonger.com/generators/

[__Virus__]

hahaha that was funny maniax....they go into collection :D

[shwetanshu]

thnx maniax

[nix]

hehe cool..will memorize some for use:)

[readermaniax]

HEy nix, shwetanshu , __Virus__, ankurgupta.me thanx for the replys

[navjotjsingh]

Thanks...needed more...got bored of exisiting lot! LOL

[readermaniax]

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.

Are your parents siblings?

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?

Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?

Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?

Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?

Don't you need a license to be that ugly?

Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!

Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.

Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?

He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!

He is living proof that man can live without a brain!

He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded ghost.

Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!

Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?

How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?

I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

http://www.comedy-zone.net/jokes/laugh/insults/insult8.htm

[rajkumar_personal]

Something extremely NEEDED 4 personal arguments !

Thanks a billion mate.

Can I ask you for MORE ???

[sujithtom]

Cooool. must not down some in my mind he he

[maharajadhiraj]

excellent stuff maniax. keep it up. 2 gud

[hpotter606]

Exellent!!
Will try to use some tomorrow!!

[vinividivici]

how about...
"You have only 2 parents?"

That was no joke.... it's what our bio sir asked one of the guyz in class.. (By mistake!)

[Orange Juice]

how about...
"You have only 2 parents?"

That was no joke.... it's what our bio sir asked one of the guyz in class.. (By mistake!)

HI! THIS I SELF-INSULT

[thadhanihemant]

that's a really cool thread by maniax
i appreciate u
thankzzzzz alot

[fnatic@play]

ROFL!!! funny!!!! n1 man

[readermaniax]

THANX yaar for thecool replys

[Trinity]

hello people,

here is the link to joke on how the way people code "Hello World" varies depending on their age and job:


http://www.gnu.org/fun/jokes/helloworld.html

Have fun!

[rajkumar_personal]

Simply A-M-A-Z-I-N-G !

More of that would be very welcome !
We definitely need some laughs to ease our days out !

[Charan]

Good to see this one.

You could have put them in quotes here itself.

[mobile_freak_2020]

Hello World !
How the way people code "Hello World" varies depending on their age and job:
High School/Jr.High
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END


First year in College
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.


Senior year in College
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))


New professional
#include <stdio.h>

void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;
for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}


Seasoned professional
#include <iostream.h>
#include <string.h>
class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;
public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}
string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}
~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}
friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}
string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}
int main()
{
string str;
str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;
return(0);
}


System Administrator
#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
main()
{
char *tmp;
int i=0;
/* on y va bourin */
tmp=(char *)malloc(1024*sizeof(char));
while (tmp[i]="Hello Wolrd"[i++]);
/* Ooopps y'a une infusion ! */
i=(int)tmp[8];
tmp[8]=tmp[9];
tmp[9]=(char)i;
printf("%s\n",tmp);
}

Apprentice Hacker
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;

Experienced Hacker
#include <stdio.h>
#include <string.h>
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}


Seasoned Hacker
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out
Hello, world.


Guru Hacker
% cat
Hello, world.

New Manager (do you remember?)
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END


Middle Manager
mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D


Senior Manager
% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

Research Scientist
PROGRAM HELLO
PRINT *, 'Hello World'
END

Older research Scientist
WRITE (6, 100)
100 FORMAT (1H ,11HHELLO WORLD)
CALL EXIT
END


Good to see this one.

You could have put them in quotes here itself.

[rajkumar_personal]

Hello World !
How the way people code "Hello World" varies depending on their age and job:
High School/Jr.High
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END


First year in College
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.


Senior year in College
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))


New professional
#include <stdio.h>

void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;
for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}


Seasoned professional
#include <iostream.h>
#include <string.h>
class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;
public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}
string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}
~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}
friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}
string &string::operator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}
int main()
{
string str;
str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;
return(0);
}


System Administrator
#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
main()
{
char *tmp;
int i=0;
/* on y va bourin */
tmp=(char *)malloc(1024*sizeof(char));
while (tmp[i]="Hello Wolrd"[i++]);
/* Ooopps y'a une infusion ! */
i=(int)tmp[8];
tmp[8]=tmp[9];
tmp[9]=(char)i;
printf("%s\n",tmp);
}

Apprentice Hacker
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;

Experienced Hacker
#include <stdio.h>
#include <string.h>
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}


Seasoned Hacker
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out
Hello, world.


Guru Hacker
% cat
Hello, world.

New Manager (do you remember?)
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END


Middle Manager
mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D


Senior Manager
% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

Research Scientist
PROGRAM HELLO
PRINT *, 'Hello World'
END

Older research Scientist
WRITE (6, 100)
100 FORMAT (1H ,11HHELLO WORLD)
CALL EXIT
END


Good to see this one.

You could have put them in quotes here itself.

Where the hell do you get this kind of stuff ?
A link is sure to enlighten me !

[maharajadhiraj]

Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing

Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own

He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words

Your face is such a mess, why don't you get your dog something different to chew on ?


Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?


Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.

You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.

You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - yer face.

I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.


He's so full of ****, his eyes are brown. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

This is your mobile operator and we just found out you are too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it . Thank you

Your birthcertificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

I hear you're connected to the Police Department - by a pair of handcuffs...

Everybody has a photographic memory. You simply don't have the film.




Hey check out these insults. Most of them are repeated though. :lol: :roll: :winkPls don't mind the non-veg adult part PLS :oops:

No insults intended to any1 :)

[readermaniax]

HEy nice INSULTS yaar ..... but where is the link/

[Mr.Cool]

Hello to all.

Welcome to the Humour thread.
Post all your jokes here.

I will start off with :-

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.


"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and Shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Teacher fainted.

[sujithtom]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Nice one. But i see tht there is no Bad option in the Poll ;-)

[devarajan]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Nice one. But i see tht there is no Bad option in the Poll ;-)

u r right man......

[Mr.Cool]

Ahem. Satisfactory ! Hehe ! And post ur jokes too !

[Deep]

how about...
"You have only 2 parents?"

That was no joke.... it's what our bio sir asked one of the guyz in class.. (By mistake!)

HI! THIS I SELF-INSULT

LOL this one was the funniest one haha

[escape7]

I had memorised a few, the've come in handy, thanks a lot dude

[readermaniax]

Hey u know wat/ .... these insults ive posted helped me in makin girl frnds

[desertwind]

Chief Executive

% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

Old, but damn funny.

[rajkumar_personal]

HOW ??
Did you insult someone else and show off your English skills ??? :wink:

[jamyang312]

that was gr8!

[readermaniax]

ya i did insult some one ....her previous boyfriend ... and takin about showing english ...what is there in english to show off///

[readermaniax]

Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...

Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

I've seen more life in a down and out's vest.

You're red shirt goes well with your eyes...

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?

Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.

Folk clap when they see you...but they clap their hands over their eyes.

You're about as much use as a Betamax videorecorder

All day I thought of you....I was at the zoo.

I'd love to ask how old you are, but unfortunately I know you can't count that high.

You should learn from your parents mistakes - try using some birth control.

He does the work of three men: Curly, Larry and Moe

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.

If I was as ugly as you were, I wouldn't say Hi to folk, I'd say BOO!

You've got the perfect weapon against muggers - yer face.

You got a face only a mother could love...unfortunately she too hates it!

I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

Listen, are you always this stupid or are you just making a special effort today?

Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?

Anybody who told you to be yourself simply couldn't have given you worse advice...

I heard you were so cool that you began teaching remedial classes at Cucumber college.

Well, they do say opposites attact...so I sincerely hope you meet somebody who is attractive, honest, intelligent, and cultured.

I heard that you changed your mind. So, what did you do with the diaper?

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.

You started at the bottom...and it's been downhill ever since!

I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.

Is your name Maple Syrup? - Well, it damn well should be, you sap!

I know what sign you were born under...'RED LIGHT DISTRICT'

http://www.humorsphere.com/insults/

[readermaniax]

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
- Groucho Marx

"His mind is so open - so open that ideas simply pass through it."
- F. H. Bradley

"The stupid person's idea of a clever person."
- Elizabeth Bowen talking about Aldous Huxley

"Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon."
- Abbie Hoffman

"The only genius with an IQ of 60."
- Gore Vidal talking about Andy Warhol

"A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind"
- Anon.

"Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today"
- Anon.

"Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing"
- Anon.

"Don't let you mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own"
- Anon.

"He always finds himself lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory"
- Anon.

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear" - but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words"
- Anon.

"I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works"
- Anon.

"I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others"
- Anon.

"He does the work of three men: Larry, Curly & Moe"
- Anon.

http://www.comedy-zone.net/jokes/laugh/insults/insult2.htm

[readermaniax]

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.

If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.

I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.

I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?

Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.

I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.

When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.

I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.

I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.

I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cemen

http://www.comedy-zone.net/jokes/laugh/insults/insult13.htm

[readermaniax]

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

I bet your mother has a loud bark!

I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?

I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.

I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!

I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY opinion against thousands of others?

I hear the only place you're ever invited is outside.

I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.

I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone will adopt you.

I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.

I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!

I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

I'll never forget the first time we met - although I'll keep trying.

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

I've seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!

If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's invulnerable.

If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.

So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

Some day you will find yourself - and wish you hadn't.

There is no vaccine against stupidity.

http://www.thejokeyard.com/funny_insults/insult_jokes.html

[techno_junkie]

Hello....I am starting this new topic for sharing Jokes related to Computers.
So please include your computer jokes or pranks in this thread...

Dont scold me if tese dont make u smile or if it's a repost...

[techno_junkie]

The Top 11 Entries in Bill Gates' Diary


11. Invited entire tech-support department to play golf. Brought Melissa to complete the foursome.

10. Steve Jobs started work today. The silverware looks great, but he doesn't do windows -- yet.

9. The baby cries constantly. Maybe I'll buy Fisher-Price.

8. Bought my first Macintosh. It's sooooo cute!

7. Good day. Found over 15 bucks' worth of soda cans in the trash bins outside Microsoft headquarters.

6. Bad day. Ellison sent back the heads of two of the three hitmen I hired, along with a note saying he ate the third one whole.

5. Still ahead of Murdoch and Eisner. Yes!

4. Reminder: 35-cent Snapple coupon expires in two days!

3. Memo to self: Next time, when my wife says we need to buy china, she means dishes.

2. Ran into Demi and Bruce. Upped my offer to a billion dollars.

and the Number 1 Entry in Bill Gates' Diary...

1. Seventh day: rested.

[techno_junkie]

Check out these full forms: - PART 1

PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms.

IBM - I Blame Microsoft.

ISDN - It Still Does Nothing.

MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers.

RAM - Rarely Adequate Memory

ROM - Really Old Machine

APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity.

SCSI - System Can't See It.

PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics.

LISP - Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis.

DOS - Defunct Operating System.

[techno_junkie]

The Ten Commandments of DOS

I am thy DOS, thou shall have no OS before me, unless Bill Gates gets a cut of the profits therefrom.

Thy DOS is a character based, single user, single tasking, standalone operating system. Thou shall not attempt to make DOS network, multitask, or display a graphical user interface, for that would be a gross hack .

Thy hard disk shall never have more than 1024 sectors. You don't need that much space anyway.

Thy application program and data shall all fit in 640K of RAM. After all, it's ten times what you had on a CP/M machine. Keep holy this 640K of RAM, and clutter it not with device drivers, memory managers, or other things that might make thy computer useful.

Thou shall use the one true slash character to separate thy directory path. Thou shall learn and love this character, even though it appears on no typewriter keyboard, and is unfamiliar. Standardization on where that character is located on a computer keyboard is right out .

Thou shall edit and shuffle the sacred lines of CONFIG.SYS and AUTOEXEC.BAT until DOS functions adequately for the likes of you. Giving up in disgust is not allowed.

Know in thy heart that DOS shall always maintain backward compatibility to the holy 2.0 version, blindly ignoring opportunities to become compatible with things created in the latter half of this century. But you can still run WordStar 1.0

Improve thy memory, for thou shall be required to remember that JD031792.LTR is the letter that you wrote to Jane Doe three years ago regarding the tax deductible contribution that you made to her organization. The IRS Auditor shall be impressed by thy memory as he stands over you demanding proof .

Pick carefully the names of thy directories, for renaming them shall be mighty difficult. While you're at it, don't try to relocate branches of the directory tree, either.

Learn well the Vulcan Nerve Pinch (ctrl-alt-del) for it shall be thy saviour on many an occasion. Believe in thy heart that everyone reboots their OS to solve problems that shouldn't occur in the first place.

====================================

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower
and jewellry applications that had operated flawlessly
under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running NAGGING
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I
do?

Desperate
***************************

[REPLY]




Dear Desperate,


First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and
install Tears 6.2.

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and
Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence
2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Television 6.1. Television 6.1 is a very bad program

that will create Loud noises ( WAV files) and does not get deleted.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Cheerfulness 2.0.



Good Luck,

Tech Support

==================================

Top Ten Reasons Computers Are Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

[techno_junkie]

You Might Be an ISP if...

you know 56k means 'reliable 33.6' and 33.6 means 'reliable 28.8' and so forth.
you know the win98 setup wizard by heart and can walk a user through it without even interrupting your Quake/MUD/IRC session to do so.
you know where the email settings are in Internet Mail, Outlook Express, Pegasus, Eudora, Netscape Mail, Messenger Mailbox, and you don't use any of those programs for personal use.
you maintain more than four websites and do not have time for a personal web page.
you know all of the following people by reputation and can explain what they've done that is relevant to your world: Steve Case, Linus Torvalds, Eric Allman, Sanford Wallace.
you know what TCP/IP stands for, not to mention DNS, HTTP, SNMP, BGP, OSPF, and DUN. You like acronyms.
you know more ip addresses than phone numbers. Sometimes you just find it easier to type the dotted quad.
you know more phone numbers to modem banks than you know phone numbers to people.
you can name two web browsers other than Netscape or Microsoft's.
you find telnet a helpful daily tool instead of wondering what it is for.
you loathe the dancing baby and other large file attachments sent through email to unsuspecting users who can't pick them up off the server and then have to call and whine that their email doesn't work anymore.
you despise Microsoft FrontPage as a web editing tool and as extensions to your webserver.
you can answer the question 'is the internet broken' without laughing.
you can spot the theme behind the following list: RedHat, SuSE, Debian, Caldera, Slackware.
you can feel the load a server is under without actually checking statistics. It 'just isn't running right' actually makes sense.

[techno_junkie]

Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web


Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds.
You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
Your dog has his own webpage.
So does your hamster.
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

[techno_junkie]

You know you are an Internet Junkie when...

When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com
On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than : -).
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

[techno_junkie]

What does a baby computer call his father?
Data.
What is a computer`s first sign of old age?
Loss of memory.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor?
It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus?
A terminal illness.
To err is human; but to really mess things up requires a computer.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

[techno_junkie]

Some New Error Messages Planned for Microsoft Windows XP !!!

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log out"
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot BJP? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
1 Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

[dIgItaL_BrAt]

Great stuff,dude!
can't stop LMAO!

[sid_ashok]

instead of pasting from other sites please give me the source i will see it my self.
Any ways great jokes

[SWEET SNEHA]

Customer: "Your sound card is defective and I want a new one." Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?" Customer: "The balance is backwards. The left channel is coming out Of the right speaker and the right channel is coming out the left. It's defective." Tech Support: "You can solve the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice versa." Customer: (sputter) (click) Tech Support: (snicker)


This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and password in capital letters.
Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower case letters." Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard." A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."


Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?" Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"


Tech Support: "Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please." Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety." Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"


I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.


Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"


I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"


Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to "The Internet."


Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Yeah." Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?" Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."


Tech Support: "All right...now double-click on the File Manager icon." Customer: "That's why I hate this Windows -- because of the icons -- I'm a Protestant, and I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well, that's just an industry term sir. I don't believe it was meant to -- "Customer: "I don't care about any 'Industry Terms'. I don't believe in icons." Tech Support: "Well...why don't you click on the 'little picture' of a file cabinet...is 'little picture' ok?" Customer: [click]


Customer: "My computer crashed!" Tech Support: "It crashed?" Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game." Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot." Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed." Tech Support: "Huh?" Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. Now it doesn't work." Turned out, the user was playing Lunar Lander and crashed his spaceship. Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'" Customer: [pause] "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

[Vyasram]

seen it way back in digit/c**p

a guy calls a technican and says that his hard drive had crashed

technician asks him whether he had backed up

the guy backs away from his pc and asks, "why is it gonna blow"

[imported_dheeraj_kumar]

a real life incident

some months back my comp didnt have proper earthing, so when you touch some places in the cabinet you may get a small shock.

my frnd came to my place last month, and the earthing was proper. he didnt know that, so he asked me if he would still receive the shock. so i touched the cabinet, i got no shock, and so i told him to touch it. he was a person who easily got scared. so he brought his hand near the cabinet slowly, and just when he was about to touch it i shouted"booooooooo". that guy got so frightened he fell outta the chair ROTFLOL that was the funniest incident

from the next day at school he was afraid to do the "ohms law" experiment lol

[Vyasram]

had billy been the icc president, what wd he have done

He wd have make a rule that a team must declare if it reaches 640

[Retro]

You know you are an Internet Junkie when...

You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
You know the difference between Java and Javascript.

This is quite old dude
1) Netscape 4.7 and not Firefox or Opera?? Blatant ripping.. You need to credit the source though!
2) You know the difference between Java and Javascript?

BTW Nice jokes but as someone said, do credit the source, they spent a lot of time making them up!

[readermaniax]

Ques. 1 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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A TOMATO....... AND THE TRING TRING TRING WAS TO CONFUSE YOU......
http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e157/fatalh4xor/Showteeth.gif
Anyways... Here s one more....

Ques 2 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

Scroll Down for answer (Yes Thats What u should be doing... )

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The DOOR BELL and the RED was to CONFUSE you......
http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e157/fatalh4xor/smile.gif
Anyways... Here s one more....
Ques 3 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

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A CAKE .... and both were to confuse you....
http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e157/fatalh4xor/laugh.gif
Anyways... Here's one more....

Ques 4 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

Scroll Down for answer ( Are u so lame that I have to tell this ..)

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A Fire Brigade Obviously...........

http://i39.photobucket.com/albums/e157/fatalh4xor/cry.gif
And u Thought I was trying to Confuse You ................

[Dumbledore]

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Where are you finding these mumbai police and this article?

[readermaniax]

hey.... this 1 is mine ...

[ashnik]

tooooo old, no hard feelings

[KHUBBU]

but really it was good and refreshing !

[pradipudhaya]

Sardarji in a Quiz Contest trying to win prize money of Rs.1 crore.



The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 yr war?



A) 116

B) 99

C) 100

D) 150



Sardar says "I will skip this"



2) In which country are the Panama hats made?


A) BRASIL

B) CHILE

C) PANAMA

D) EQUADOR



Sardar asks for help from the University students




3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?



A) JANUARY

B) SEPTEMBER

C) OCTOBER

D) NOVEMBER


Sardar asks for help from general public



4) Which of these was King George VI first name?



A) EDER

B) ALBERT

C) GEORGE

D) MANOEL


Sardar asks for lucky cards



5) The Canary islands, in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:



A) CANARY BIRD

B) KANGAROO

C) PUPPY

D) RAT


Sardar gives up.







If u think you are indeed clever and laughed at Sardar's

replies, then please check the answers below:



1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from 1337-1453

2) The Panama hat is made in Ecuador

3) The October revolution is celebrated in November

4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936 he changed his name.

5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA which means islands of the puppies.

Now tell me who's the dumb one....Don't ever laugh at a Sardar again

[//siddhartha//]

This proves THAT YOU ARE A SARDAR LOL..

[thecyclone2k]

Ise Doordarshan pe suna hai (lol)

Read it before!!

[shwetanshu]

got this in a mail forward 145786447541454775 times

[mehulved]

Well sardar's(by sardar's I mean idiots) too have brains only that they use it sometimes.
BTW I got 3 right.I guess that's not bad.

[Jatin_T]

Man..have read this so many time bfore..even in my stupid col mag..and they copied it from last years college mag of guess wat..our college...

But connecting them facts to Sardar was not needed!

[~Phenom~]

Yeah , read it many times before.

[pradipudhaya]

This proves THAT YOU ARE A SARDAR LOL..
duhhh.. i am not a sardar :shock: :x :evil:

[__Virus__]

and the same topic existed right here on digit which lead to flaming :P

[rajesh_nk22]

are sardars really dumb ones? have heard many jokes like this before.

[niranjan_mcarenyold]

sardars are not dumbs, indeed they laugh for the jokes on them, because they know about the persons joking on them just wasting time finding faults in others instead of spending time on useful things.

if they consider this joke their time will waste in protecting india. because the punjab regiement is the powerful regiement in indian army

(meanwhile i am not at all a sardar and an army person)

[gary4gar]

sardars are the most misunderstood & comic community in our community.poor caps!

[rajesh_nk22]

Ya i agree with niranjan, Sardars hamhare army ki shaan hai

[rajat22]

Sardar Jokes .. Fresh Stock



1. Ek dost ne sardar se poocha "yaar tu hamesha foreign channel kyon


dekhta rehta."

Sardar "yaar kuch bijli unki bhi kharcha hone do."



2.

4 hightech sardar inventions:

---Waterproof towel

---Solar powered torch

---Book on how to read

---Pedal powered wheel chair.



3. Why did sardar cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess

what

---To avoid side effect!!!



4. Sardar ke bagiche me bahut pedh the. Sardar ne naukar se bola pedho

ko

pani dal.

Naukar bola "sahib barish ho rahi hai"

sardar : abe budhu chatri pakdke dal na".



5.

Man:sardarji where were u born?

sardarji: punjab.

man: which part.

Sardar: oye part part kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab".



6. Lawyer to sardar: Gita pe haath laga kar kaho ke

---Sardar :yeh kya, sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaiya. ab fir

gita

pe haath.



6. Ek teacher ne sardar se puchha

"akal badhi ya bhais "

Sardar bola "sir pehle date of birth to batao".





8. Why was sardarji writing the exam near the door???
bcoz it was an

entrance

exam.



9.

Banta's son:dad there is some one on the door 2 collect donations for a

swimming pool.

Banta: give him a glass of water.



10.

Santa:I am a proud sardar, my son is in medical college.

Banta: really what is he studying?

santa: he is not studying they r studying him.

[Third Eye]

PLEASE PUT YOUR ALL JOKES IN THIS THREAD !

The Sardar Jokes !

Sardar: Doctor help me, mein jab baat karta huun to muje sirf awaaz sunai deti hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Doctor: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt.

Sardar's son: Mom, kal raat ko wapas waisa hi hua. Bathroom jane ke liye darwaza khola aur apne aap light on ho gayi.
Mom: tenu kitni baar bola ki fridge ganda mat kiya kar.

Teacher: What is the chemical formula 4 water?
Sardar: H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O.
Teacher: what r u talking?
Sardar: sir, yesterday u said it is H to O!!

Santa singh: Can u spell a word tht has more thn 1000 letters in it?
Banta singh: Post office.

Sardar: (to a friend)Aap kitna padhe ho?
Friend: B.A.
Sardar: kamal karte ho yaar! Sirf do word padhe, aur woh bhi ulte!?

A friend asks sardar: how was ur exam?
Sardar: It was ok but i couldnt answer past tense of THINK. I thought, thought & finally I wrote 'THUNK'!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Sardarni asked her lover, Santa Singh "Santa Darling, if we get engaged
will you give me a ring?"
"Sure" replied Santa "What's your phone number?"
* * * * * * *
Once Santa Singh, the psychiatrist, met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard
you are dead."
"But you see I'm alive," smiled the friend.
"Impossible," said Santa Singh. "The man who told me is much more reliable
than you."
* * * * * *
Banta Singh went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked,
"Doctor, will I be able to read
after wearing glasses?"
"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!"
"Oh! How nice it would be ," said Banta with joy,
"I have been illiterate for so long."
* * * * * *
Santa Singh was brought to court on charges of Drunken Driving. Just
before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded
the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." Santa immediately
responded, "Thank you, your honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."
* * * * * *
Mr. Jaswant singh went to a grocery stores collected the grocery and came
to the counter and person at the counter started preparing bill for the
items.
Singh asked " Where is the fat ?"
The person didn't understand what Singh was saying and said, "Excuse me
sir, FAT???"
Sardar : "Yes Fat, Give me the fat"
Sardar started shouting and arguing with the person and all people gathered
and Manager of that grocery stores came there and asked Sardar about the
problem. Then sardar said "Hey Manager look, I took a yogurt from your
stores and it was written 'FAT FREE' on that but this guy is not giving me
the fat.

************
What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
* * * * * *
What do you call a sardar who has only one drink?
Just-one Singh.
* * * * * *
KHALISTAN JOKES
Khalistan National Drink: Sarbat Khalsa.
Khalistan National Bird: Tandoori Chicken.
International Airline: Kitthe Pacific.
National Airline: Itthe Pacific.
National Anthem: Sten-a gun-a man-a ..........
National Taxi Service: Kar Seva.
National song: Bande marte hum.
Female terrorist: Hard Kaur.
National dish: AKALI-DAAL.
Sikh scuba diver: JULL-UNDER SINGH.
Better adapted sikh diver: JULLUNDER SINGH GILL.
----------------------------------------------------------------
A Sardarji went to US & had a meeting with Bill
Clinton.
Bill : I want to show you the US advancement.
come with me. (He takes him in a deep forest)
Bill : Dig the ground. (Sardarji did it.)
Bill : more..more..more...
(Sardarji went upto 100 feet)

Bill : So now , try to search something.
Sardarji: I got a wire.
Bill : you know, it shows that even 100 years ago
we used to have telephones.

( Sardarji became frustrated.)

He invited Bill to india. Next year Bill had been
in India
Sardarji : I want to show you our advancement.
(the same, he takes Bill in forest.)
Sardar : dig it .
(Bill does.)
Sardar : more ..more ..more .......... (Bill goes
upto almost 400 feet..)

Sardarji : try to find something.
(Bill tries.)
Sardarji : did you get anything ?

Bill : no.

Sardarji : yes, even 400 years ago we used to have WIRELESS
-----------------------------------------------------------------------




Santa Singh saw that his friend Banta Singh was very
depressed.
"What Happened?" asked Banta.
"Yaar, I lost Rs.800 in a bet yesterday" replied
Banta.
"How Come?" asked Santa.
"well yesterday,the one day match between india and
england was being shown live on tv. I bet Rs.500 that
india would win, but i lost the bet"
"But that only 500"exclaimed Santa."Where did the rest
go?"

" Yaar, I bet on the highlights,too!!!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Banta Singh was in court charges with parking his car
in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had
anything to say in his defence.
"They should not put up such misleading notices" said
Banta.
" It said ' Fine for Parking here'"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


An englishman, an american and Santa were called upon
to test a lie detector.
The Englishman said, Ican drink 20 bottles of beer ,
The detector went BUZZZZZZZ. Okay he said 10 bottles.
The machine was silent.
The american said, i can eat 15 Hamburgers, the
detector went BUZZZZZ. Okay he said 8 Burgers. The
Machine was silent.

Then Comes Santa, He said " I THINK ......"
BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ went the machine.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Once Banta had this ides that he would prove that
sardars are always normal at 12 o'clock. So he called
a press conference. He placed a big wall clock in the
hall and invited 100 Sardars there to test their
reaction. Time went by, and there was no reaction from
the sardars.
finally, there was only one minute left.
The media agog in anticipation of the breakthrough
they were about to witness.
Exactly a minute later, one sardar got up and asked, "
Saddi choti sui Kithe Gayi ( Where has our small hand
gone)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


In Chennai Banta singh went to shop at Burma Bazaar.
His Tamilian friend told him things at the bazaar were
overpriced and he would do well to bargain for half
the price quoted by the shopkeeper.

Banta admired a stereo at ashop and asked the man its
price.

" Rs.2,000" said the shopkeeper.
" Rs.1,000" Said Banta.
" Rs.1,800" said the shopkeeper.
" Rs.900 " said Banta.

" Okay, I'll give it to you for Rs.1500 said the
shopkeeper.
No said banta Rs.750

Irritated finally , the shopkeeper told Banta to just
take the stereo and go he would give it to him for
free.

" Make It Two", said Banta.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Third Eye]

OTHER JOKES !

Robert: boss, China se Mr. Hu aayee hain.
Ajit: Goli maar do. Hu mar jaane par humor ban ke sab ko hasaayenge.


Scene: Ajeet thouroughly disgusted with Mona daaa..arrling's typing.
Ajeet: Raaberrt, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Raabert: Magar kyoon baas ?
Ajeet: Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.



Ajeet: Raabert, in kutton ke saamne yeh Compooter laga do aur debugger
starrt kar do.
Raabert: Lekin kyoon, baas?
Ajeet: Saale Checkpoint mein atak jayenge.



Ajeet: Raabert, Test Match mein kyaa ho raha hai ?
Raabert: Boss, Vivian Richards chhakke pe chhakka maar raha hai.
Ajeet: Saaleh ko sabak sikhana padega. Lunch break mein usse phone milana.
Raabert: Yes Boss.
Ajeet: (on phone, to Richards): Veeveeyun Reechards, tumhari Maa hamare
kabze mein hai .......



Scene: Ajeet comes to know about the traitor in his gang.
Ajeet: Raabert, ise ShamePain mein daal tho, agar Shame se nahi mara
to Pain se mar jayega.



Scene: Giving a decision as to how the hero should be killed.
Ajeet: Peter, time bomb le aao aur is saale ko usse bandh do. Timer ko
teek das bajhe set kar do. Nahin nahin, yeh saala to sub cheez
hamesha late karta hai. Iska mauth bhi late hona chahiye. Timer ko
panch minute late rakh do. Arre, Raabert, Raabert, bevkoof, silly
fellow, time bomb ko yahan peh math rakho, yeh to 'no-smoking' area
hai. Ha haa ha. Time bomb 'tic tic tic tic' karke bajega. Aur iska
dil 'tup tup tup' karke dhatakega. Tum agar paas me khade hoge
to tumko 'tic tup tic tup tic tup' suanaai dega"



Ajeet: Rabert! isko eraser se maar do, yeh mar bhi jayega aur mit
bhi jayega



Raabert: Boss! Aaap ko kaun si teen chiz sabse jahyahda pasand hein boss?
Ajeet: Ek Mona, Doosra Sona, aur Tisra, Mona ke saath Sona




Peter: Boss? Sona kahan hei?
Ajeet: Tum chahe jahan bhi sona, lekin mujhe to Mona darling ke saath sona!



Scene: Ajeet spots one of his is enemies...
Ajeet: Maikal, woh jo admi ghadi pahne tumhe nazar aarahaa hai, woh hamara mehman hai.
Tum ja kar uske doosre hath mein bhee gadhi pahna do...phir woh do
ghadi ka mehman ho jayega !



Scene: Ajeet is escaping with his men in a helicopter...
Ajeet: Kuch hee der mein hamara helicopter hindustan ki sarhadon ke pare
door birmingham mein hoga. Wahaan tumhe ek kaale rang ki sioorlett
(cheverlett) nazar aayegi. Wo tumhe signal degee...on..off..on..off
Raabert : Boss..hamara signal kya hoga ?
Ajeet : bewkoof...off..on..off..on...



Raabert: Boss? Is kaa kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet: Rawbert! Is pille ko liquid oxygen me daal do. Liquid ise jeene
nahi dega, aur oxygen ise marne nahi dega.



Peter: Boss? aur is pille ka kyaa kare boss?
Ajeet: Peter! Is saale ko super-conductor me daal do, saala bus mein
ticket dete-dete thak jayega.



Peter: Boss is saale ka kya karen ?
Ajeet: Ise microprocessor mein daal do...BIT by BIT marega !



Robert: aur boss..iska kya karen ?
Ajeet:Ise hamlet poison khilado...sochta rahega, to be or not to be !




Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet: "Raabert, Ise varnish mein daal do, saala mar bhi jaayega aur finish
bhi aa jaayegi.




Bob: Boss, mission par kaise jaaoon, mujhe headek ho raha hai.
Ajeet: Abe head ek ho ya do, kaam to karna hi padegak.!



Scene: Ajeet ordering his chela to kill the enemy
Ajeet: "Raabert, Isss Haramzaade ko social security pe daal doo. Saale ko
Society jeene nahin degea aur security isse marne nahin degea.




Scene: Raabert and Ajeet are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs a hole
and water starts coming inside. Raabert is perplexed !
Raabert: Boss ab kya hoga ??
Ajeet: Raabert Ek aur hole bana do , aur ek hole me IN aur doosre me out
lik do . Ek hole se paani ander aayega aur doosre se bahar chale
jayega !!




Scene: Ajeet is worried about something. Robert is facing him.
Ajeet: Shanker kaal bahuth bada maal Versova beach per aane wala hain.....
A pause.....
Tum chootti le lo.




Scene: Raabert had twins and comes to the "Boss".....
Raabert: Boss, mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye..
Ajeet : Ek ka naam rakho Peter....
Raabert: boss or doosre ka ?
Ajeet: Repeater.




Scene: Raabert had triplet and comes to the "Boss".....
Raabert: Boss, mera teen bachche ka keya naam shoche hein aap?
Ajeet: Ek Naam rakhkho, Peter, Repeater aur Wang Chung.
Raabert: Teesra ka naam "Wang Chung" kiu boss???!!!
Ajeet: Beokuf, tumhe malum nehi...is prithwi me paida hone waalaa har
teesra bachcha Chinese hota hai.



Ajeet: Raabert, is bail kaa stool test karo.
Raabert: Stool, boss ?
Ajeet: Aakhir pataa chale ki ye bullshit kya cheez hai.



Scene: Ajeet get's hold of his favourite hero & then directs his chela.
Ajeet: Maikal, Is saale ke ek haath mein laal aur doosre haath mein hara
rang laga do.
Maikal: Lekin kyon baas?
Ajeet: Bewakoof, itnaa bhi nahin jaanta? Jab pulice yehaan aayegi to ise
range haathon pakad legi. he he he....




Scene: Raabert and Ajeet go for shikar...Raabert spots a peacock...
Raabert: Boss....more.. more...
Ajeet picks up the peacock, shoots it and says...
Ajeet : Nomore !




Robert: Bass is gaddar ka kya karen ?
Ajeet : ise sui chubho chubho kar mar daalo... pulees samjhegi sui-cide
hua hai.




Peter: bass yeh aadmi to kuchh boal hee nahin rahaa...
Ajeet: Ise revolving chair pe bitha do, pataa to lage chakkar kya hai.



Ajeet: Mona, tum Toni se shaadi mat karnaa, bahut mona-toni ho jaegi.



Ajeet: Raabert, dayna (Diana) ko kuch khatta pila do.
Robert: kyu boss ?
Ajeet: Bewkoof, woh dayna se daynasour ho jayegi, phir extinct kar dena.

[Third Eye]

Other Sardar Jokes !
PLEASE POST YOUR OWN JOKES HERE !

The Sardar Jokes !

One day Santa Singh climbed up a building, which had 200 floors.

One of Santa's friend called him- Banta your son is dead.

When he heard this he came down. But when he came down on the 100th storey then he remembered- aree I have no son, and when he came on 50th storey he remembered- aree I'm not married.

And when he came down on the last storey, then he remembered his name is Santa and not Banta.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sardar went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this small TV," he told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to SARDARs," he replied.

He hurried home removed his turban and changed his hair style, and returned to tell the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," Salesman replied.

"Damn, he recognized me," he thought. He went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new hair color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before he again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to Sardars," he replied.

Frustrated, he exclaimed "How do you know I'm a Sardar?"

"Because that's a microwave," he replied. ...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr Banta Singh is traveling from Moscow to Bhatinda. Seated besides him is Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill time.

Banta : 'Oye Gar(r)y. You think I don't know who you are?. I can't compete with a world champion'

Gary : 'How about if I play left handed ?'

Banta : [Think.. Think..] 'OK!'

Banta is demolished in 4 moves... and is very upset through-out the rest of the journey. On landing he meets his friend Santa Singh.

Banta : Hey! You know what! I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me inspite of him playing left-handed.....

Santa : Oye ullu-de pathey!! He sure did fool you!! You know what!! Gary IS LEFT-HANDED!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once a sardar calls another sardar on the phone and says Hi,
Main Bol Raha Hoon.
The other sardar replies Kamaal Hain, Ithe Vi Main Bol Raha Hoon!

Boss tells his new employee, "Santa Singh, I'll give you 10 bucks an hour
starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 20 bucks an hour. So
when would you like to start?"Santa replied, "In 3 months."

ik sardar jee se ek aadmeen poocha akal badhee yah bhens tu sardar jee thodha sochne ke baad bole pehleh dono ki umer batao phir batoonga

Santa Singh goes to a TV shop and asks, ''Aap ke paas color TV hai kya?''
''Haan'' replies shopowner.
Santa Singh says, 'Ek hara vala dena!'

A Sardar, a Japanese, and a British were lost in the desert.
They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey.
The Japanese took the radiator, the British took the seat, and
the Sardar took the door.
After a while of walking the British asked the Japanese "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?"

The Japanese responded, "If I get thirsty, I can drink the fluid."
Next the Sardar asked the British "Why did you bring the seat?" So the British said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand. I can
sit on this comfortable seat." Finally the Japanese asked the Sardar why he had chosen the door.
The Sardar quickly responded to this question, "Well, when it gets
hot all I have to do is roll down the window."

Sardar proposed a Girl......Girl said ''I''m 1yr elder to you''.
Sardar said ''Oh! No Problem Soniye, I''ll marry you NEXT YEAR.

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce. Judge asked: How''ll U divide, Ur 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! Well apply NEXT YEAR

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked: Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: I'm writing a letter to my 6 yr old son, he can''t read very fast.

Flash news: A Two seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..

[gary4gar]

i sometimes get bored with tons of tech news and search for some homurous & sooding news for a time refrashment.in this section members can post
1) email forwards
2) jokes
3) funny news & anything


members should feel to share the homur in this thread
Note:it should be suitable for all ages

To begin with here some student teacher Jokes



--------------------------------------------
=====
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
=====

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colours do you have?"
=====

My grand-father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.
=====

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
=====

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed again?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
=====

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
=====

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
=====

Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
=====

[MysticHalo]

Good JOB...nice simple (short) jokes :D

~~~~~
PS:I wud rep u if they'll make me laugh...

[gary4gar]

don't u all think all light talks should be held here???

[samrulez]

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaa

[escape7]

what was all this supposed to mean? No offence dude...these old jokes are lame stuff.

[QwertyManiac]

Huh, I guess you confused yourself into posting this LP ....... (Hmm, just to confuse you more, LP here isnt Linkin Park, its your post, LAME POST) :|

[True Geek]

Man
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Just
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.Sux
And it isnt to confuse you. What a lame stuff

[MysticHalo]

Huh, I guess you confused yourself into posting this LP ....... (Hmm, just to confuse you more, LP here isnt Linkin Park, its your post, LAME POST) :|
ROFL :D

still cant understand what he was trying to prove...anyways...where is the telephone?

[~Phenom~]

And I thought he was talking about a red telephone.
Silly me?????

Naaaa....


Silly HE.

[gary4gar]

I am creating this thread because i feed up daily seeing 3 or 4 threads of jokes or vedios.i think always in tech forum there shound'nt be more than one thread of his kind.i jokes posted by me here are not made by me.i am just sharing it with you.so lets start off...
======================================
Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet : "What are you searching for?"
Santa :"Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet : "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?" Santa : "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching the Star World Channel'. How does he know that?"
======================================
on Reservation
I think we should have job reservations in all the fields. I completely
support the PM and all the politicians for promoting this. Let's start the
reservation with our cricket team. We should have 10 percent reservation for
Muslims. 30 percent for OBC, SC/ST like that. Cricket rules should be
modified accordingly. The boundary circle should be reduced for an SC/ST
player. The four hit by an OBC player should be considered as a six and a
six hit by an OBC player should be counted as 8 runs. An OBC player scoring
60 runs should be declared as a century.

We should influence ICC and make rules so that the pace bowlers like Shoaib
Akhtar should not bowl fast balls to our OBC player. Bowlers should bowl
maximum speed of 80 kilometer per hour to an OBC player. Any delivery above
this speed should be made illegal.

Also we should have reservation in Olympics. In the 100 meters race, an OBC
player should be given a gold medal if he runs 80 meters.

There can be reservation in Government jobs also. Let's recruit SC/ST and
OBC pilots for aircrafts which are carrying the ministers and politicians
(that can really help the country...)

Ensure that only SC/ST and OBC doctors do the operations for the ministers
and other politicians. (Another way of saving the country...)

Let's be creative and think of ways and means to guide INDIA forward...
Lets show the world that INDIA is a GREAT country. Let's be proud of being
an INDIAN...

May the good breed of politicians like ARJUN SINGH long live...
=============================================
mods: please make it a sticky

[Vyasram]

yeah, make this a sticky

I'd also recommend a sticky for all those wallpapers/screensavers/funny pictures ppl post in separate threads here

Two good frnds (A n B)start a company, initial success turns into disaster. A cudn't understand what he got wrong. Things got worse and he became a pauper. One day his friend told him "I am the reason for all our losses. I used most of the money to smuggle drugs. Now that truck has been captured and i got no money. A took a pistol and pointed at his own head. B stopped him sayin "Itz not that big, we can work this out". A replied "work this out, no way,after me you're next!" :D

also guyz plz post the source or original contributor's name if the joke isn;t made by u. The above reservation joke was made by Azim Premji

[thetopcyborg]

I am creating this thread because i feed up daily seeing 3 or 4 threads of jokes or vedios.i think always in tech forum there shound'nt be more than one thread of his kind.i jokes posted by me here are not made by me.i am just sharing it with you.so lets start off...
======================================
Jasmeet Kaur caught her husband Santa Singh searching high and low all around his living room.
Jasmeet : "What are you searching for?"
Santa :"Hidden cameras!"
Jasmeet : "And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?" Santa : "That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching the Star World Channel'. How does he know that?"
======================================
on Reservation
I think we should have job reservations in all the fields. I completely
support the PM and all the politicians for promoting this. Let's start the
reservation with our cricket team. We should have 10 percent reservation for
Muslims. 30 percent for OBC, SC/ST like that. Cricket rules should be
modified accordingly. The boundary circle should be reduced for an SC/ST
player. The four hit by an OBC player should be considered as a six and a
six hit by an OBC player should be counted as 8 runs. An OBC player scoring
60 runs should be declared as a century.

We should influence ICC and make rules so that the pace bowlers like Shoaib
Akhtar should not bowl fast balls to our OBC player. Bowlers should bowl
maximum speed of 80 kilometer per hour to an OBC player. Any delivery above
this speed should be made illegal.

Also we should have reservation in Olympics. In the 100 meters race, an OBC
player should be given a gold medal if he runs 80 meters.

There can be reservation in Government jobs also. Let's recruit SC/ST and
OBC pilots for aircrafts which are carrying the ministers and politicians
(that can really help the country...)

Ensure that only SC/ST and OBC doctors do the operations for the ministers
and other politicians. (Another way of saving the country...)

Let's be creative and think of ways and means to guide INDIA forward...
Lets show the world that INDIA is a GREAT country. Let's be proud of being
an INDIAN...

May the good breed of politicians like ARJUN SINGH long live...
=============================================
mods: please make it a sticky


nice joke ;-)

[maharajadhiraj]

Hey buddy cut out the non-veg part will ya :D , there are kids in the forum!!!!

[phatratt]

haha,nice thread,but pls no non-veg stuff:D jokes only related to computers and technology only would be nice.

here's one
An Internet Geeks Prayer

Help me log-on without fretting
Guide me as i'm internetting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from

exploding.


May my website be protected
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line always connected
And may all my inputs be accepted.


Please keep my programs alive
And remember to back up my hard drive
And protect my computer from a crashing dive
From a virus that would make it a nesting hive.
__________________________________________________ _______________________________

Newton 's laws of software. ..

Law 1: Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by manager.


Law

2: The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.


Law 3: For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.


Law 4 : Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant!

[Vyasram]

what is non-veg stuff????

[robin345]

what is non-veg stuff????
Stuff that should be kept away from kids .Like Adult Jokes etcetc

[Vyasram]

then why that name non-veg stuff , aren't kids supposed to eat fish and eggs and chicken

[gary4gar]

all Double meaning stuff in my posts deleted.how delete the quote from maharajadhiraj posts.maharajadhiraj pls edit ur post

[aryayush]

then why that name non-veg stuff , aren't kids supposed to eat fish and eggs and chickenSome things just get accepted by everyone without question and become a trend. This is one of those - no logic behind it, whatsoever! :D
Anyway, here is a superb poem:


ABORT, RETRY, IGNORE?

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed machine! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know, the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

[gary4gar]

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."

Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:- As old as I am.
Teacher: How is it possible?
Sunny:- He became father only after I was born.
TEACHER:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age? STUDENT:32 yrs.
TEACHER:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.


TEACHER:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age? STUDENT:32 yrs.
TEACHER:How do you know?
STUDENT:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.


Teacher: Paul, what is the chemical formula of Water?
Paul: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Teacher: What is this?
Paul: Well!! you said it is H2O.
Student (to teacher)Ma'am my pen has run out of ink.
Teacher:Go run after it.

Teacher:Ramu,get up.How can you sleep in my class?
Ramu:I can teacher,if you keep your voice down.

Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?Teacher: "Anoop, stop showing off. Do you think you are the teacher of this class?"
Anoop: "No, Miss."
Teacher: "Then stop acting like a fool!"
Pupil: “Sir, Would you mind e-mailing my exam results to my parents?”
Teacher: “But your parents don’t have a computer.”
Pupil: “Exactly!”

[gary4gar]

[Santa Banta]
Once a train was moving on the railway line. Suddenly the train got down from the railway line and started moving into the fields.
The passengers got angry and decided to punish the train driver.
When the train stopped, all the passengers came to the driver and asked:"Why did you take the train off the track into the fields."
Driver: A man came in front and was standing on the railway line.
Passeners: Why did you risk the life of so many passengers in order to save the life of one man.You should have driven the train on that man.
Driver: I was going to do this only but the man ran towards the field.
_____________________________________________
Once Morron entered a cybercafe to check his mails.It was crowded so he had to wait.As he waited he saw a man checking his mails.He stood behind him and watched.The man typed his password and was waiting when morron cried out "Yes yes I know your password.I can read your mails now.
"Surprised the man asked "Oh yeah, tell me what is it".
Morron replied " Five stars."
__________________________________________________ _-
Why did Santa Singh took 18 sardars to watch a movie?
Because under 18 was not allowed!
__________________________________________________ _
Banta: “My grandfather’s watch fell into a well and when it was found after 30 years, it was still keeping correct time”
Santa: What is so great about it? Once my grandfather fell into a well, and after thirty years when he was taken out, he was still alive.”
Banta: “How can it be possible? What was he doing in the well for thirty years?”
Santa: “He was winding your grandfather’s wrist-watch.”
__________________________________________________ ________________
Santa was was on his death bed. Santa: Where is my wife?
Santa's Wife: I am here.
Santa: Where are my sons?
Santa's Sons: We are here. Dad!
Santa: Where is Banta?
Banta: I am also here.
Santa: Then! who is at the shop.
__________________________________________________ ______

Santa:What should we do? The water level has risen above the danger mark.
Banta:Raise the danger level mark up by a few meters.

__________________________________________________ _______
How will a sardarji climb a tree?
He'll stand on a corn and wait for it 2 grow
__________________________________________________ ___________

Once Banta went to meet Santa.
Banta:When do U get up after a nice nap.
Santa:As soon as the sun's rays enter my room through the window Banta: Don't u find it too early.
Santa:No my window is towards the west, not towards the east.
__________________________________________________ ______________

SANTA & BANTA WERE GOOD FRIENDS.THEY BOTH LOVED CRICKET.THEY BOTH DECIDED THAT WHO EVER DIES FIRST WILL COME IN THE OTHER'S DREAM & TALK ABOUT CRICKET.BANTA DIED FIRST.
SO BANTA CAME IN SANTA'S DREAM AND TALKED ABOUT CRICKET.SO SANTA ASKED BANTA THAT HOW IS CRICKET IN HEAVEN?
BANTA SAID"IN HEAVEN CRICKET IS VERY FAMOUS".
THE NEXT DAY BANTA AGAIN CAME.HE TOLD SANTA THAT HE HAS ONE GOODNEWS & ONE BAD NEWS.SANTA FIRST ASKED THE GOODNEWS.
BANTA SAID"THE GOODNEWS IS THAT THERE IS A MATCH IN HEAVEN TOMORROW & I'AM THE OPENING BATSMAN".
THEN SANTA ASKED THE BAD NEWS & BANTA SAID "THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE THE OPENING BOWLER IN THAT MATCH!!!".
__________________________________________________ __________________

Once two friends were boasting about themselves. Santa Singh:Once my granfather's wrist- watch fell in the well.When it was taken out after thirty years it was still running.
Banta Singh:So what's great about it!Once my grandfather himself fell into the well.When he taken out afer thirty years he was still alive.
Santa Singh:How can it be possible. What was he doing in the well for thirty years?
Banta Singh:Why not! He was winding your granfather's wrist-watch.
__________________________________________________ ________________

Once Santa Singh and some other country scientists came for launching a rocket.They started the counting 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 go!The rocket was still there.They tried it 3,4 times.
Then Santa said"Wait I'll try"
He climed up the rocket,first tilted to left,then to the right.He climed down,and then asked them to count.They started 10 9 8......go!The rocket went.
Everybody asked "How did u do it''.
Santa replied"In our country we start our bajaj scooter like that only...
__________________________________________________ _____________

Q:What is difference between a donkey and a sardar?
A:Only this a donkey has a tail.
__________________________________________________ ______________

One day Santa told Banta that Hindustan & Bharat are on war.
Banta replied but we live in India
______________________________________________

ONE DAY SANTA WAS CRYING. BANTA ASKED HIM WHY ARE YOU CRYING . HE ANSWERED I HAVE ONLY ONE BROTHER & BUT MY SISTER HAS TWO

__________________________________________________ _

GUys pls contribute
MOds Make it sticky

[Apollo]

Don't mess with a chicken!

Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

Says the chicken: "Big deal I only have to cough, and the entire planet sh*ts itself."

[gary4gar]

thanx for response.lets make this thread a succes by dailly updating it

[gary4gar]

Customer : I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer Yeah....
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer : Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's i